God’s Design: Conflict
Ephesians 5:33 (NLT) So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.
Conflict arises when two people have different ideas, needs, wants, interests, or expectations.
-walk on eggshells -explode in anger
-shut down emotionally -dominate
-manipulate -run and hide
-passive-aggressive -defensive
-avoid the issues -put up walls
-play the victim -fight to win
Myth #1: “Every couple that argues must be incompatible.”
Myth #2: “If we don’t fight, we don’t have conflict.”
Conflict doesn’t destroy marriages; unresolved conflict does.
1. Deal with issues in a timely manner
Hebrews 12:14-15 (MSG) Work at getting along with each other… 15 Keep a sharp eye out for weeds of bitter discontent. A thistle or two gone to seed can ruin a whole garden in no time.
Agreement: Make a commitment to address issues in love…in a timely manner.
2. Start with the right goal
“Healthy couples fight for resolution. Unhealthy couples fight to win.”
Ephesians 4:3 (NLT) Make every effort to keep yourselves united in the Spirit, binding yourselves together with peace.
Agreement: Our goal is restoration, not personal victory.
3. Remember: You’re on the Same Team
Mark 3:25 (NLT) If a house is divided against itself, that house cannot stand.
Agreement: We will face this problem together.
4. Speak with grace and truth
No one likes…
being called names
having their character attacked
being told they “always” or “never” do something
having someone raise their voice at them in a condescending tone
having the Bible used as a weapon against them
being threatened with divorce
Proverbs 18:21 (ESV) Death and life are in the power of the tongue…
Proverbs 15:1 (NIV) A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.
Colossians 4:6 (NLT) Let your conversation be gracious and attractive…
Agreement: We will speak to each other in love.
5. Learn to listen
Proverbs 18:2 (NLT) Fools have no interest in understanding: they only want to air their own opinions.
James 1:19 (NLT) Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry.
Agreement: Instead of trying to be understood, we’re going to listen to understand.
6. Control your emotions before they control you
Agreement: We will listen to our spouse’s heart, not our emotions.
7. Don’t bring up the past
“Healthy conflict stays in the present.”
1 Corinthians 13:5 Love keeps no record of wrongs.
Agreement: We will address the issue at hand and leave the past in the past.
8. Be willing to own your part
Agreement: We will take ownership of our part of the issue.
9. Invite God into your conflict
Ecclesiastes 4:12 (ESV) A threefold cord is not quickly broken.
Agreement: Jesus is at the center of our marriage…even in conflict.
Romans 12:18 (AMP) If possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.
“Truth is like soap—it won’t do you any good if it’s not applied.” —Edwin Louis Cole